Attack of the Mary Sue Clones!
by Sunfalling
Summary: Pegasus has unleashed an army of Mary Sues to harass Yugi, Yami, and Seto! Strange girls are popping up everywhere, and now a cruel angst author appears! Much bashing of OCs and popular plots.
1. The Clones Attack!

Ahhhh!  Another lame humor fic!  If you read _Téa's Quest_, you know my love of character bashing.  Well, this fic is Mary-Sue bashing.  I make fun of lots of popular plot and character schemes that I've read, so if you recognize yours, I might have read it, and decided to mock it, but chances are more likely that you've just chosen an idea which has already been done many times.  I have written a Mary Sue characters myself and I actually enjoy some Mary Sue stories, so don't feel bad.

            I love all the YGO characters but I do tend to make fun of them, so forgive me!

Disclaimer

Yoda: (In his gravelly voice) Mmmhhhmm!  Own Yu-Gi-Oh,  Sunfalling does not.  Own Yu-Gi-Oh she never will.  Very talented she is not.  Very pathetic she is.

Me: (ticked off) Okay, mouthy midget!  Next time I'm getting Chewbacca to do the disclaimer!

Chewie:  Mrrraaaherrrr?

Me: (grumbling) Ah, forget it.

            **Attack of the Mary Sue Clones!!!**

            Domino City had experienced peace and quiet for some.  Unfortunately the quiet would not last long, for in his secret tower place, Pegasus the Red was plotting his next evil scheme.

Pegasus:  Yugi Motou must be defeated.

Croquet:  But he is such a duelist!  It would take an army of thousands…

Pegasus:  Ten thousands!

Croquet:  Master, no such force exists—

Pegasus: (pulls back curtain to reveal a horrifying host of creatures)

Croquet:  Ahhhhh!

Pegasus:  Yes, I have assembled an army of the scariest, most terrifying, loathsome characters in the world: the much-hated _Mary Sues_!  (evil laughter)

Croquet:  No! It can't be!

Pegasus: (gleefully) Are they so perfectly beautiful? Such flawless, obnoxious faces!  Such stylish, perfectly coordinated, preppy outfits!  Such sassy attitudes!

Croquet: (faints)

            Meanwhile, in Domino city, Yugi enjoyed a nice, slow day at the Game Shop, talking with his friends and being his usual cheery, supportive self.  His friends were feeling open with him for once and Yugi tried to listen attentively.

Joey:  So, since we're bein' all open an' all…  Have I ever told you guys dat my dad is an ruthless, abusive drunk?

Téa:  Did you realize that my boyfriend's cheated on me for the millionth time and I'm still going out with him although I secretly have a crush on Seto Kaiba?

Ryou:  Has anyone noticed the scars and tear-stained eyes I've hidden through the night because my Yami beats me cruelly?  But, I don't care because I love him!

Yugi: (happily) Aw, I love you too, Bakura!  Hey, anyone want to play Candy Land?

Tristan: Um, there's this thing I've been meaning to tell you about…but… Dangit!  Nobody writes any stories about me!

            Suddenly, a strange young girl with long, exotic hair and luminous eyes stepped into the shop.  She glared at the crew of friends mysteriously and fingered the shining golden bracelet on her wrist marked with the symbol of the eye of Ra.

Ryou: (in awe) Could it be?  Another millennium item?

Tristan:  Naw.  Looks like an ordinary bracelet to me.

Ryou: (relieved) Oh, of course!  How could there be another item?

Tea:  Definitely an ordinary bracelet.  I saw one at the store for $7.95.

Mysterious Girl:  It is no ordinary bracelet, you foolish mortals!

Yami: (to Yugi) This girl seems strangely familiar.

Yugi:  What!  Another one of your old girlfriends?  A familiar girl with golden jewelry walks in here every day!  How many chicks did you have back in ancient Egypt?

Yami: (smirking) Well, I _was_ quite the lady's man!

Everyone Else: (sweatdrops)

Mysterious Girl:  I am _not_ the lover of the pharaoh!  He killed one or more of my family and I must seek revenge!  I am known as the Vengeful Mary Sue!  I seek the punishment of the pharaoh who shall steal my heart!  The one you speak of is known as the Mary Sue Who Was Once Yami's Wife/Girlfriend/Lover, a lovelorn, lovely woman of sorrow.  She should be by in a few hours.

Yami: (unhappy) Aw, crap!  Your past always _does _comes back to haunt you.

Téa:  Serves you right for being such a player!

Joey:  Man, why das he get all da chicks?

Yugi:  So…mysterious lady, want to play Candy Land with us?

            The next day at school, the gang had a few more encounters that they did not consider entirely strange.  First, the teacher brought up a new girl to introduce to the class, but of course that happened every day.  So many new girls came into the school that it was surprising they didn't have to get a bigger room.  Today's new girl came from Egypt or some other exotic foreign country, had beautiful hair and eyes, knew how to speak another language and was an expert at Duel Monsters.  Joey made his usual comment about how cute she was and wondered if she would go on a date with him.  But Yami and Seto only wanted to duel her.

Yami:  Curses on you, Duelist Mary Sue!  You've beaten me for the nineteenth time!

Kaiba:  Oh yeah, she only beat me seventeen times!

Yami:  (annoyed) Because you only played her seventeen times, Kaiba!

Duelist Mary Sue:  I guess you guys just can't stand up to my skills.

Yami:  And you have the most ridiculous, unheard of cards and/or strategies in the game!

Duelist MS:  Hey now, Yugi, you're supposed to be falling in love with me and will soon battle Kaiba for my affections.

Yami: (raises an eyebrow)  In your dreams!

Kaiba: (turns on ringing cell phone) Hello?  Mokuba?

Mokuba:  Help, Big Brother!  I've been kidnapped again!  Save me!

Kaiba:  Really, Mokuba!  This is the thirty-fourth time you've been kidnapped!  I installed a tracking chip in your skin last time so recovering you should be no problem.

Mokuba: (relieved) Oh yeah!  Well, I'll be waiting for you then, Seto.

Kaiba: Don't forget to keep your hands still.  You had a nasty scrape last time from the chaffing of the cruel ropes.  I'll bring up the lotion, okay?

Mokuba:  Okay, Seto.  I'll remember.

Kaiba:  See you soon, little guy! (clicks off phone)

Yami:  Oh no!  Has your little brother been kidnapped again?

Kaiba: (yawns) Yeah, but I've got the routine down.  Track him down, blow the brains out of his kidnappers and—presto!  We're home in time to get popcorn and watch the PowerPuff Girls.

Duelist MS:  But aren't you in a hurry to save him?

Kaiba: (stretches) Yeah, I'll get down there after I snag a latte and load my weapons…  Oh, and I have to pick up my blue trench coat from dry-cleaning.  Wouldn't want to forget that!  I think Mokuba might have some overdue video game rentals too, so I'd better return those to avoid the late fee…and then I think Macy's is having a sale on briefcases…(gets up leisurely and leaves)

Téa: (sighing) Oh, Seto!  He's such a jerk, and yet I love him anyway!  How can this be?  How can I love our greatest enemy?  How can a man so cold love such a happy girl as I?  Snap out of it, Tea!  You don't love him!  You can't!

Yugi:  Has anyone seen my teddy bear?

Téa: (annoyed) Yugi, you're supposed to be jealous that I like Seto Kaiba!

Yugi:  I am?

Joey:  Hey Yug!  Who's ya little friend over there?

Yugi:  Oh, this is Cute Little Mary Sue.  She is short like me and very shy.  She is secretly in love with me and cries every night because I don't notice her.

Cute Little MS: (dramatically) Oh, Yugi!  How did you know?

Yugi: (ignoring her) Now where did I put that teddy bear?

Vengeful MS:  The bear is the first to die!  The pharaoh shall be the next!

Duelist MS: (smirking) Anyone for another game?  I've haven't even gotten warmed up!

Tristan:  Hey, who's that tall chick over by the tree?  With the long white hair and beautiful eyes.

Téa:  I've heard of her!  She's Pegasus' daughter!

Joey:  No way!  He has a daughter?

Tea:  Um, well he's only twenty-four, but they start families a lot earlier these days…

Ryou:  That's disgusting!  And yet, I am strangely attracted to her.

Peggy's Daughter MS:  I am beautiful and mysterious and I will haunt your dreams!  I shall make up for the evil of my father has committed and sacrifice myself to bring about good in the world.

Random Fan:  You're not real!  You're existence is impossible!  Stupid, ignorant fangirl writers!

Author:  Get out of the fic, crazy fan!  This is my cute story, so live with it!

Random Fan: (grumbles and leaves) Drama queens!  Next time they'll have Yami's reincarnated daughters saving the world!

Joey: (blinks) Whoa!  What was dat all about?

Author:  It seems a fitting time to introduce myself.  I am the talented, wonderful fanfiction writer who adores her shows and puts an impossibly perfect version of herself into the stories in order to interact with her favorite characters.

Yami:  Got a name, scary person?

Author:  My famous pen name happens to be: DarkLightSunMoonStarRoseDragonElfMageNightMagicGirlDreamAngelQueen^__^

Mary Sues:  Ooooooh!  Such a cool name!

Author:  Why thank you, perfected clones of myself.

Yami: (clutching his head) Ah!  When will it end?

Yugi:  I don't suppose any of you have seen my teddy bear…

Vengeful MS: (gleefully holds up mutated bear)

Yugi:  No!  Mr. Cuddles!  How could you, Author?  How could you make me so pathetic?

Author:  Because you're so adorable!  Now, look deeply into the eyes of Cute Little Mary Sue and tell me you are in love.  MWUAHAHAHA!

Yugi:  Weird…  I'm starting to blush and feel tongue-tied.

Yami:  No, Yugi!  Don't let her do this to you!  Don't give in!

Author: (evil laugh) It's already too late!  I've already paired all my OC girls up with Yu-Gi-Oh characters at this very moment Mokuba is playing matchmaker to hook up his brother with my latest Mary Sue and Téa's boyfriend is cheating with another girl!  Not to mention that Joey's dad is drunk again and Yami Bakura is ready to torture Ryou! (another evil laugh)

Yami:  Ra save us all!  She's an angst writer!

Yugi: (blushing) Would you like to, um, do something…sometime, Cute Little Mary Sue?

Duelist MS:  But I'm the one who loves you, Yugi!  You and I should duel forever!

Peggy's Daughter MS:  It is our fate to be together, Yugi, and change the world!

Vengeful MS:  Very sorely do I regret the tearing of the toy bear.

Téa: (goes into hysterics)

Author: (yet another evil laugh) Ah, the beauty of love triangles, rectangles and octagons!  This is going to be a great story!  Flames will be used to light my the candles in my shrines to various good-looking, untalented actors and singers.  MUWAHAHAHA! (even more evil laughter)

***********************

Well, that was fun, if not very humorous.  More Mary Sues to come!  Send in your suggestions if you have any.  Mary Sues are everywhere!

Next chapter: Seto and Téa find themselves alone in a dark mansion with the lights out and a storm raging…and Seto loses his shirt!  Yami meets vampires, secret agents, and the female friends he never knew he had.  Mokuba manipulates the babysitter, Yugi bumps into people, Tristan is ignored, and the sadistic angst author gets out of control!


	2. A Dark, Stormy Night

            The horror continues!  Great thanks to all reviewers!  Without you, there would be no point in struggling with my computer for two hours to load pointless drivel about characters in a show my family wishes I would stop watching.

            Oooh!  Many more Mary Sues!  Thank you for your suggestions, and thanks to all the wonderful fangirl authors who write this ridiculous stuff (including myself!)

            Let me make it clear that the "Author" figure in the story is not me!  She is just my exaggeration of the typical thirteen-year-old fangirl writer I see.  Though, I can't deny that I have written some pretty pathetic stuff!

            Chapter Two:  A Dark, Stormy Night…

            At the Kaiba mansion, Seto and Mokuba were enjoying their favorite TV show in the comfort of the home theater system.  The ringing of a phone interrupted this quiet, followed Seto's muffled cursing.

Kaiba: (furious) Okay, you'd better be calling to say I won the lottery because otherwise…

Téa:  Help!  Seto!  There's a psycho serial killer outside my house!  You have to save me!  I need you, Seto!  You're the only one who—

Kaiba: (flicks off the phone and goes to sit down next to Mokuba again) Oh man, I missed the best part of the show!

Mokuba:  Who was that, big brother?

Kaiba:  Wrong number.  Hey, pass me the popcorn.

(phone rings again)

Kaiba: (picks it up) If this is Téa again…

Voice:  Hello?  Seto Kaiba?  I'm just calling to let you know that I'm you long-lost sister, Mary Sue Kaiba, and I love you, and I want to meet my two brothers, so we can—

Kaiba: I've got to get some better call screening. (clicks off phone)

Mokuba:  Who was it, this time?

Kaiba:  Another long-lost sister.

Mokuba:  Geeze, they _never_ give up, do they?

Kaiba:  Never.

(phone rings again)

Kaiba: (answering phone wearily) I don't suppose this could be my stockbroker.

New Voice: (breathlessly) Seto, is it really you?

Kaiba: (coldly) Who were you expecting?  Hilary Clinton?

New Voice:  Don't you remember me?  We used to play together at the orphanage when we were just kids.

Kaiba:  And I supposed we played in the sandbox and you beat me at chess, and I kissed you, and we promised never to forget each other…

New Voice:  Yes!  That's exactly what happened!

Kaiba: (rolls his eyes) I'm sorry; you have the wrong number. (turns off the phone and tosses it out the window.)

Mokuba:  A Mary Sue from the orphanage?

Kaiba: (sighing) Yup.  I'm never going to get rid of them, am I?

Mokuba: Nope.

(They continue eating popcorn in peace while the phone rings ceaselessly on the street below the window)

Author:  Curses!  Seto is rejecting all my wonderful plans!  This calls for drastic measures! (pulls out wand or whatever author tool she uses)  If he won't fall in love…I'll _make_ him fall in love!  (evil laughter)

Later that evening, when Seto was working on his computer, Mokuba suddenly began to have strange, ridiculous thoughts.  His brother was so lonely!  Seto didn't any one to talk to besides Mokuba himself.  He shut himself off from the outside world and despite working to run a company, maintaining his status as a duelist, and trying to raise his little brother, Seto must be longing for something more.  What he really needed was a friend…  No, a girlfriend!  Seto desperately needed a sweetheart and Mokuba was inexplicably filled with the desire to find a cute girl for his brother to fall in love with.  He must help his brother find love!

Kaiba: (on his computer) Oh, @&%$ the recession!  My stocks haven't risen at all!

Mokuba:  Hey, big brother, guess who came to stay with us!

Kaiba: (not looking up) No more stray dogs, Mokuba.

Téa:  It's me, Kaiba!  My parents are away on a trip again…for the forty-second time this year, and I'm _all alone_.  Plus there's a storm coming on, and storms scare me!

Kaiba: (sees Téa) I _thought_ I said no more stray dogs, Mokuba!

(Authors poofs out of nowhere and whacks Seto on the head)

Kaiba:  Ow!  Who the %$# are you?

Author:  You shouldn't insult young women like that, Seto!

Kaiba:  Why?  She's too stupid to understand it anyway.

Author: (whacks him again)

Kaiba:  Mokuba, pull the alarm by the sofa!  Call for security!

Author:  It's too late!  I have Mokuba under my control and now you are too! (evil laugh) Téa is spending the night with you, Seto, and you'd better be nice to her, or I'll pair you up with someone even worse.

Kaiba: (dubiously) Worse than Téa?

Author: (slyly) The one you like to call Chihuahua…

Kaiba: (is paralyzed with horror)

Mokuba:  Big brother?  Are you okay?

Author:  It's alright, Mokuba, the shock will wear off eventually. (to Téa) He won't try anything tonight with _that_ threat hanging over his head.  Now Mokuba, you need to go spend the night at your friend's house, and give your brother some time alone with Téa.

Mokuba: I do?

Author:  Get out of here, you annoying little twerp! (kicks Mokuba out)

Téa:  But how did I escape the serial killer?

Author:  Seto swept in to save you, disguised in a dark cloak, because he wasn't sure that you returned his affection, believing that you had a crush on Yugi.  Now he is torn between his love for you and the aching fear in his heart.

Téa:  Oh…my…gosh!  That is _so_ romantic!

Author: (smirking) I know.

Kaiba: (still paralyzed, stares with blank expression of horror)

………………….

Meanwhile, in another part of town, Best Friend Mary Sue got ready for an evening out with her lifetime friends.  She chose a calf-length khaki skirt, cute sandals, and pastel tank top with a catchy logo printed on the front.  She tied her shining black hair up in a perfect ponytail with slender strands falling down to frame her heart-shaped face and brushed some light makeup onto her flawless vanilla skin, because she was too beautiful to need a lot.

Finally, she met Yugi and his gang at the park and went to greet them.

Best Friend MS: Hi everybody, what's up?

Yami:  Who the &%$# are you?

Yugi:  It's another one of _them_!

Joey:  Oh great.  I'm not one ta complain about a crowd of cute girls, but dis is gettin' ridiculous!

Vengeful MS:  Depart, mortal girl!  You wander in dangerous places!

Best Friend MS:  Hey!  These are my friends.  I've known them since kindergarten and no fortuneteller freak is going to tell me what to do!

Vengeful MS:  Fool!

Best Friend MS: Witch!

Vengeful MS:  Whore!

Best Friend MS:  Me?  I just make out with the character I want and we date through all the sequels, exchanging affectionate dialogue until we are married and our kids can fall in love with someone.

Cute Little MS:  Aw, how sweet.

Yami:  It's a vicious cycle.

Joey:  Hey…  Did anyone see where Téa went?

Yugi:  No, I was too busy staring into the eyes of Cute Little MS and wondering how to get her to like me.

Joey: (rolling his eyes) Yeah, like we _really_ wanted to know that, Yug.

Yami:  Didn't she say something about Kaiba?

Joey:  Oh no, dose crazy girls are heading ta his place too!

Yugi: (still staring at Cute MS) We should call and warn him.

Tristan: (annoyed) Helloooooooooo!  Am I _ever_ going to get a line here?

Joey:  Shut up, Tristan, nobody cares about you.

Tristan: Well…fine! (goes off somewhere to pout)

Yami:  Whoa!  Check it out!  Vengeful MS is wrestling down that chick who thinks she's our best friend!

Joey: (gleefully) Girl fight!

Yami: (gets crafty look) Let's sneak away, while they're not watching…

Yugi:  Okay, but we have to take Cute Little MS.

Yami:  Why?

Yugi:  I can't take my freakin' eyes off her!  It's starting to get really annoying.

Joey:  Fine, we'll take her, but let's go!

(The three boys and Cute Little MS leave quickly as Vengeful MS and Best Friend MS fight in the dirt with Peggy's Daughter MS watching them sorrowfully)

            At the Kaiba mansion, a dark figure vaulted over the walls, cleverly sabotaged the security system, and climbed into the mansion with the grace of a cat.  Sitting on a window frame, she observed the scene before her: her target, Seto Kaiba asleep in his bed.  But the longer she stared at his gorgeous face, his soft brown hair, and his warm lips, the more reluctant she became to fulfill her task.

            Assassin MS was hired by Pegasus himself to kill the famous CEO, but now she began to fall deeply in love with his perfect body, his lovely hair, and his piercing eyes, which she knew were sapphire blue, even though they were closed.

            Suddenly, the door flew open, and came a pretty, young brunette.

Téa:  Seto, wake up!  The storm is scaring me!

Kaiba: (still half asleep) &%$#@#$ *@%&$!!!

Téa:  You must comfort me and tell me everything is alright.  Then you kiss me and we start to make out on your bed.

Kaiba: (clutching his head) Please tell me this is a nightmare.

Author: (poofs out of nowhere) Get up, Kaiba-boy!  If you won't kiss her, you'd better be ready for dog slobber!

Kaiba: Why are all those suicide plots starting to sound appealing?

Author:  Get out of bed!  (uses her wand thingy to pull him out)

Kaiba: (standing gingerly next to Téa) Um, can't I just give her a hug?

Author:  I think we need to heat up the atmosphere a little! (waves her wand and Seto's shirt disappears)

Kaiba: (mad) Hey!  Do you know how much that shirt cost me?

Téa: (staring) Oooh!

Assassin MS: (also staring) She's goin' down.

Téa: (breathlessly) Oh, Seto… (leans it to kiss him)

Assassin MS:  Take that! (throws a javelin which skewers Téa through the back)

Hordes of Téa Haters:  YES!

Kaiba:  NO!  My carpet!  She's going to bleed all over my expensive carpet!

Random Fan:  Stupid fangirls!  You're ruining the entire plot of the show!

Author: (unhappy) My OCs are getting out of hand.

Assassin:  Haha!  She's dead, and the boy is mine!

Author: (waves wand) No, that wasn't Téa!  It was only…um…a stuffed dummy of Téa that Seto keeps in his room!

Hordes of Téa Haters:  NOOO!!!

Kaiba: (incredulously) I keep a stuffed _dummy_ of _Téa_ in my _room_?

Author: (nervously) Uh, you have a sick mind.

Random Fan:  This is getting ridiculous.

Assasin MS:  So where _is_ the little slut?

Author:  Um…she went to get a glass of milk.

Kaiba:  I'm going back to bed.  Maybe I'll wake up and you'll all be gone.

Téa: (enters the room) Seto, I went to get a glass of milk because the storm was scaring me.

Kaiba: (rolling his eyes) And that makes complete sense.

Téa: (blushing) I knew you were a nice person at heart, Seto.  That cold, cruel businessman act was just a sham.  You're really sweet and vulnerable and kind-hearted and a good listener and a caring friend…

Kaiba: (blinks)

Téa:  And you're so kind and loving when it comes to your little brother and the way you rescued me from the psychos and the bullies and the rapists and…um…what are all these people doing in your room?

Kaiba:  (sarcastically) It's a slumber party all for you, Téa.

Téa: (excited) Really?

Author:  Okay, Hordes of Téa Haters, get outta here.  Ditto for you, Random Fan.  And Assassin MS, I'm sorry but you're going to have to leave too.  I'll call for you later if I need backup.

Assassin MS:  (sorrowfully to Seto) I would have braved the wrath of my employer and fled with you through the streets of Paris to live happily ever after, or at least die a tragic death.  Have you nothing to say to me, beautiful Seto?

Kaiba:  Yeah.  Why the heck do you throw javelins when you could have brought a machine gun and taken both of them out?  And why would you want to go to Paris?  The climate is &%$# at this time of year.

Assassin: (confused) But javelins and Paris are so romantic!

Author:  Okay, bye-bye Assassin. (waves her wand to make the MS vanish)

Téa: (confused) How did they all get into here?

Author: (thoughtfully) Now, how can I get the romantic mood back?  

Kaiba: (sighing) How am I going to explain to the housekeeper that there's a mutilated dummy of Téa lying on my floor?

Téa: Hmmmm….

Author:  Hmmmm….

Kaiba: (smiling to himself) Well…at least my carpet's safe!

************************************

Well, that was even _more_ fun to write!  I didn't get to the stuff I promised in the last chapter, so I'll write it into the next chapter.  My reviewers gave great suggestions of Mary Sues and plot schemes, so I will try to work them all in eventually.

Now, I want you to push that little purplish button down in the corner.  See it?  Guess what happens when you push it…  _You get a million dollars!_

*sirens squeal, lights flash, and police cars pull up*

Officer:  You're under arrest for perjury and deceiving minors.

Me:  But-but, it was only a joke!

Officer:  Get in the car, slime bag!

*I am dragged off in handcuffs struggling and screaming at the top of my lungs, "_Push the button!  Push the button!_"*

Random Fan: (sighs) Stupid fangirls.  They never learn.

Pegasus:  What a psycho!  There are just too many crazy people running around these days.

Random Goldfish: (blurbling) blurble, blurble…


End file.
